Proud.

I so did not want to get out of bed this morning. SO.DID.NOT.WANT. At 4:30 in the morning I often don't care if I'm fat. Especially when having strangley engaging dreams and I want to see how they turn out.

But I got up. I drank my crystal light energy and then I went to the gym and did today's running program (I'm on week 2 of the couch 2 5k program) and though I'm spent now, I am proud of myself.

And I also need a nap, but that's ok. I have a long drive ahead of me in a bit; so I'll go take a shower and get out of here, grab a coffee and be on my way. I am just really proud that I made it over that "I don't wanna get up" hurdle.

So Yeah.

So yeah. Have I mentioned that I am tired of being fat? Seriously. TIRED. But my brain and my body are a little bit out of sync. I am either going to end up being the fittest fat person ever, or I will pull my head out of my ass and start eating right and shrink like I want to.

You would think it's fucking rocket science, but it's not. You would think I have some sort of metabolic disorder... but I don't. I have a brain disorder where hunger pains = imminent death apparently. At least that's how I sometimes act.

I had no candy and no sweets yesterday. Well, no real sweets. I had a 100 calorie pack of those chocolate hostess cupcakes... 1pt per pack! But I'm not buying those anymore... I have recently realized that the only reason I eat the granola bars and other shit is because it's there. It's good. It's there. oh and because it's there. No more.

I was very proud of myself yesterday, I went to the gym even though I had limited time, due to a meeting I needed to be at. I went, I ran, and got back in time. I didn't have a super long workout or anything, but I got my run in. That's the important thing. Normally I would've used the excuse that I didn't have enough time to do a good workout. Bullshit.

I have come to realize I use that excuse a lot. No more. Starting 2 days ago I called bullshit on that and went to the gym on my day off (I usually work out at the gym near work, but there isn't one near my house; my sister has a membership near my house though so I used her card)... I'm going to continue that trend on the weekends... I often don't want to go workout because I am leaving dh in a lurch w/ the kids by himself, and/or I talk myself out of it for one reason or another.

The most important thing is my health, and my fitness right now... so if that means a short trip to the gym is what I need, then a short trip it is. No more bagging out of going because I don't have enough time to do the workout I think I need.

*sigh* That said, I've already done the 30 day shred video this morning and mama is TIRED. I am going to do 60 min of cardio at lunch today as well.

Now I need to go do my hair and put my face on for work. *yawn*

1st post.

I wonder if I am for real this time. If this time of dieting will actually work. I am on weight watchers. AGAIN. I have historically not done well on weight watchers because even though I allow a reasonable amount of points for dinner, I blow through them w/ the immediate snacking when I walk through the door. I take a bite of the kids' dinner. Ok, maybe I'll take 2 bites. Bites don't count, right? Oh... and if I make something super yummy for dinner... of course I'll have to sample that too.

It's my own doing, my failure at losing weight... or rather my own undoing. I realize this, I hate it, but I realize it.

Over the last holiday season I decided 'Screw dieting'... and I ate whatever I wanted. In whatever quantities I wanted. I didn't exercise. I laid around a lot. I baked a lot. I indulged. a lot.

I also gained 20lbs.

RIDICULOUS.

So now I am back on the horse. My goal being to get fit. Feel better. STOP taking pills to lower my blood pressure. Fit into those pre pregnancy pants (that have been patiently waiting for 4+ years).

And of course, to lose the heifer.